Jokes In English
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully.
"But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,
"Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.
"Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
A doctor whose medical skill was much better than his handwriting, sent an invitation to a patient who was his friend to spend an evening with him. He said that there would be music and other things. The friend did not come, and did not send any explanation. When they met the following day, the doctor asked whether he had received the note.
"Yes, thank you," replied the other. "I took it to the chemist, he made up medicine and I feel much better already."
A man didn't feel well, so he went to see a doctor. The doctor looked him up and down and said nothing. The patient wanted to know what was wrong with him. But the doctor continued to look him up and down without saying anything. At last the patient asked the doctor,
"What do you think is wrong with me?"
The doctor said, " I don't know. I'm trying to understand what kind of illness you can pay for."
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
A man dressed in a bathing suit was walking along in the Sahara Desert.
He was stopped by a stranger who asked where he was going.
"Swimming," was the reply.
"Swimming! but where?" asked the stranger in surprise.
"In the Mediterranean, of course."
"But the Mediterranean is 50 miles from here," said the stranger.
Looking incredulously at the expanse of sand around him the man exclaimed,
"Oh, what a beach!"
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too. When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are
the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you
swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you
to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
A man went into a shop and asked for a pound of apples which cost one shilling. The shopkeeper gave them to him. The the man asked:
"Can I exchange the apples for a pound of plums? The price is the same."
The shopkeeper agreed, took back apples and gave him plums. The man took them and was going to leave the shop. The shopkeeper asked him for the money.
"The money for what?" asked the man.
"The money for the plums," said the shopkeeper.
"But I gave you the apples for the plums," answered the man.
"Well, then, the money for the apples."
"But you still have your apples," said the man and walked out of the shop.
Artist: That is my latest picture. It's called Builders at Work. It is very realistic.
Friend: But they really aren't at work.
Artist: Of course - that's the realism.
An English army colonel who was about to retire was asked what he was going to do. He said, "I am thinking to buy a farm in New Zealand."
"Why not a farm in England?" was the question.
"England!" he cried. "Don't you know the English climate? I was born in England,
I fought for England and I will die for England if necessary. But the one thing nobody can make me do is to live in England."
Did you hear about the man who took his dog to the cinema? During a break in the film, the woman sitting in front turned round and said, "I'm surprised that an animal like that should appreciate a film like this."
"So am I, " said the man. "He hated the book."
"Why are you tearing up your homework notebook and scattering the pieces around the playground?" a furious teacher asked one of her pupils?
"To keep the elephants away, Miss."
"There are no elephants."
"Shows how effective it is then, doesn't it?"
Thomas was being severely ticked off by his father.
"Now, Thomas, " said his angry parent, "this will not do! You must learn that you can't have everything you want in this life. There must always be give and take."
"But there was, Dad!" protested the aggressive youngster. "I gave him a black eye and took the apple."
Henry: "Would you punish someone for something they haven't done?"
Teacher: "Of course not."
Henry: "Oh, good, because I haven't done my homework."
Tom's teacher wrote a letter of complaint to his farther.
"What's all this about? ," roared Dad. "Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything. "
"I told you she was no good," said Tom.
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I've led a very full life,” says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A man went to his lawyer and told him,
"My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."
Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pit stops during the Grand Prix? He was asking for directions.
"I'm not going to school today," Robert said to his mother. "The teachers bully me and the boys in my class don't like me." "You are going. And that's final. I'll give you two good reasons why."
"Firstly, you're 35 years old. Secondly, you're the head teacher."
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply.
"And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."